fly, be free

*

*

*

hb to me

*

*

woohoo! i love my birthday.

*

gifts

*

*

today i was running up the stairs to the doctor’s office and out the second story window… hello, bird friends!

they were flying in the wind right alongside. it felt rhythmic. in time. precise. one of those moments where you’re right where you’re supposed to be and you actually stop and feel it (and take its picture).

i love that.

*

*

cedar waxwings

*

*

as i mentioned yesterday, the other morning, i was hard at work at my desk, which looks out into my small backyard. suddenly i saw a fast rush of birds. like birds everywhere flitting about. i grabbed my camera and started clicking away, sure i was capturing some kind of usual sparrow and finch frenzy.

once i was able to focus, i saw the band of cedar waxwings. a whole pretty flock. they were here just a minute and then off they went.

*

*

yellow beard

*

*

frenzy. in my head. the busy = the frenzy.

but while i workworkwork, i’m trying to enjoy the autumn bird frenzy. yesterday, within a 30-minute period, i saw the following in my backyard:

flicker waxwings sparrows mocking juncos finches starlings jay phoebe warbler (aka yellow beard)

total dreaminess.

*

*

the starlings

*

*

shiny iridescent starlings sail out into the sunny blue sky.

*

*

*

bluebirds

*

*

last night i saw a flock of bluebirds (bluebirds!) gliding across the soccer field. what am i cinderella?

we have no bluebirds here. at least i never see them.

and they were so friendly, coming close and stopping in to stare. maybe they are here for the transition. just going with the flow. something i aim to to every day. go with the flow. stop fighting and go.

*

*

*

autumn calling

*

*

every day now, several visits from black phoebe. my signal for autumn, year after year.

*

*

be brave

*

*

i want to actively participate in joy. so what if i do? what if i change something inside me? what if i do everything i can to seek and indulge in joy. what if i let the rest go? what if i do? i want to be brave. so let me. let me.

*

*

close your eyes

*

*

“he’s always closing his eyes. like it hurts to look at things.” — angela chase about jordan catalano, my so-called life

i’ve been rewatching my so-called life on hulu. as usual with my favorite series, i can’t stop. and god, it’s good. and why do i still think claire danes’ hair is perfect. why hasn’t that changed?

what’s also strange is that i now relate to the angela’s mother as much as angela, if not more. i watched this show in my 20s. i was nobody’s mother back then. it’s strange to think about it now. i can’t even remember. not really.

i don’t really think about my 20s much lately. having kids sort of forces you to look at your own childhood a lot more. and now, i’m growing more and more obsessed with thinking about teenhood. preparation, i suppose. and, of course, i continue to think about the present or the recent past-present: the motherhood years.

what i find when i watch angela’s mother is that she is stuck — between wanting to be in control and set all the right boundaries and wanting to be an open-minded, helpful mom. but the two things get in the way of each other. she’s simultaneously overly rigid and dying to let everything go. but she’s always ready for the next axe to fall. and as a result, she sort of has an uncomfortable stick up her arse. i feel like that too. all of that. especially the stick. ouch.

i can’t seem to find the balance of being open to the goings-on of daily life and simultaneously open to letting it all flow on its own terms. and kids, well, every day they happen. just the way they are. and (as angela chase reminds me) what they are feeling and seeing and believing is just as critical as what i feel and see and believe. i know this. so why do i feel myself constantly forcing the steering, veering off my own road onto theirs, forgetting about my own road. and then the over-braking and the gunning it back up to speed and back again. back on the right path. for a moment at least. most days, it is not a smooth drive.

i fantasize about being the kind of mom who sits (perhaps in a rocker with knitting needles and a VERY long scarf???!) and wisely doles out the kind of advice you want to live by. the kind of stories that open eyes and bend minds and set children free in their own right.

but then life happens, and i swerve all around in it.

have you ever noticed in that video game pole position (stay with me here) that if you barely move the steering wheel and just let all the cars and catastrophes and turns and roadblocks and oil slicks and collisions and lovely green scenery pass you by. if you just focus on the mountains in the distance and hold her steady that you get a lot farther. but for some reason, that game makes me wanna react and steer wildly and crash and burn.

i’ve always wondered if it would serve me better to just close my eyes and cruise the whole damn way to the finish line.

*

*

ibis

*

*

don’t miss photos from my friend tracey clark in the new issue of this joy+ride:

new photo + words on habit too:

plus, new photos from my clyde:

*

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bird drunk

*

*

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the beat

*

this morning, i was looking out my back windows. the morning was golden beautiful and bright. and then i looked down, and i could actually see the subtle vibration of my heart beating softly in my chest. at first i thought i might want to cut down on the decaf too. or that it meant i was probably about to die.

and then i realized something else…it means i am alive. good god, i am simply alive. and it is so nice.

other things that make me feel alive:

• a new toothbrush
• watching dancers
• walking through the dark house and hearing my boys talk in their sleep
• looking out into the black night and seeing a plane twinkling across the sky
• having plans
• my summer soundtrack
• watching birds

have a happy weekend.

*

*

robin

*

last night, just home from our walk, i looked up and saw a robin torpedo across the twilight sky like a fiery orange comet.

i wish i could lift up my hand up and point him out to you. so you could see him too. he blazed by so fast, wings tucked in a high-speed dash to the finish. so fast and yet the image hangs sharp and ripe in my mind, like a slow, stark memory that’s burned into me forever.

out of sight

*

*

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feeling the need

*

*

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yellow + wild + free

*

*

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quench

*

*

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takin’ on june

*

*

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places to go

*

*

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sir hums a lot

*

*

*

JOY!

*

:: i’m going to (re)find JOY this month! you comin’?

*

*

hello, yellow

*

:: and hello to you too, little blackbird

*

*

pelican swirl

*

:: yesterday, a flock of pelicans circled over and blocked out the sun.
:: and then they swirled away like tiny paper airplanes. more.

*

*

takin’ off

*

:: takin’ off for a few days. have a good weekend.

*

*

white flight

*

*

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shine on me

*

*

*

and you want

*

*

*

you lookin’ at me?

*

*

*

up in there

*

*

*

seven tiny

*

:: make the tiny seven bigger

*

*

i want to go to there

*

*

*

turtleneck weather

*

:: issue eleven: this joy+ride (cozy up with molly’s pretty poetry)

*

*

simple gifts

*

:: i now prefer to replay this memory to this: air and simple gifts

*

*

cluck

*

:: by far, our oddest spotting at the bird reserve

*

*

bird truck

*

:: new pretty pretty issue: this joy+ride

*

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galapagos finches

*

:: california academy of sciences

*

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let go

*

*

*

look up

*

*

*

fly birds

*

:: i really want to move into an anthropologie store

*

*

a new day

*

:: a new year (and soon, a new president!)

*

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try something new

*

*

*

take off

*

*

*

may the force be with you

*

*

*

tundra swans

*

*

*

oh joy

*

:: wishing you happy holidays and a pretty 2009…

*

*

sweet peace

*

:: more xmas tree peepings. have a peaceful evening.

*

*

wowl

*

:: coming this week, xmas tree peepings

*

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bird school bus

*

*

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a little bit grumpy

*

*

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mad skills

*

:: this is what i’m telling ed to do at job interviews

*

*

lift up our hearts

*

*

*

hello.

*

*

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trust me

*

*

*

i need big wings

*

:: feeling a little heavy today

*

*

owl friend

*

:: so cute. his tail lifted every time he let loose his mighty h-h-hoo!

*

*

let love rule

*

*

*

bring it

*

:: bigger (can you see the little red wing spots?)

*

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bird lull

*

:: my cute grandpa & leo at my belated birding birthday

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skyscape

*

*

*

go to work

*

:: let’s go to work, prez obama (yes, we did!); and work on this…

*

*

whatever comes after hope

*

*

*

yellow sweetie

*

:: a vireo? i love october.

*

*

headed east

*

:: headed east. see you soon.

:: (and new issue of this joy + ride up!)

*

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blackbird

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*

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just do it

*

:: a little procrast work mantra for myself today

*

*

happy monday

*

*

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the ducks stop here

*

*

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the naturalista

*

:: adored this sweet woman trekking around the birdplace

*

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deep thoughts by black phoebe

*

*

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the fuzzy dream of a barn owl

*

*

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when the bird comes

*

“When the bird comes
if he comes
observe the most profound silence.”

To Paint a Portrait of a Bird
by Jacques Prévert

*

*

there she goes

*

:: hope your long weekend is long.

*

*

yahoo!

*

*

*

dirt

*

*

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bird x-ing

*

*

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settle down

*

:: bigger

:: comment over here by 9pm PST to win a FREE print

*

*

the return

*

:: *sigh* the birds are returning; guest post today at shutter sisters

*

*

week of abstracts: 5

*

:: one of the 50 billion that got away (maybe that’s my next project)

:: thanks so much for joining me this week. it was good fun!

*

*

week of abstracts: 2

*

:: clyde & i call these “bird clumps”

:: share a link to your prettiest abstracts today & all week long.

:: (c’mon! shari’s playing and so is molly)

*

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death + life

*

:: bigger

*

*

wanting for grace

*

*

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sit + listen

*

*

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bird on a wire at dusk

*

*

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every delicious minute

*

*just before the pigeon murder

*blue bottle drip coffee

*frog hollow’s peach pizza

*turtle face, golden gate park

*crazy-eyed fatty birdy, golden gate park

*me, tea, new mom o matic’s ring (photos by poet)

*i love you, rare device

*waiting for our bi-rite cones

*poet’s cute, new pad

*cafe (504), oakland

*coffee with friends

:: blogged

*

*

she’s a goner

*

:: off to blogher (and poet’s place)! happy weekend.

:: don’t forget to win a pretty.

*

*

love me

*

:: he’s at it again (via tracy)

*

*

swallow clothes pins

*

:: better bigger

:: i also like these swallow clothes pins

*

*

superbirdy

*

*1. {sigh} “pretty day” *2. “someone needs help!“ *3. “superbirdy!”

*

*

good birding

*

:: despite all the smoke stuck in the valley; bless the fireworkers & the land

*smokey times

*great egret, green rice field

*pretty weeds

*the pelicans have landed; a good 80 to 100 of them

*tree swallows rest on the line

*adorable song sparrow

*black-crowned night heron

*northern harrier on the go

*western kingbird eats lunch

*that’s no bird, but he sure is cute

*

*

sweetest conga line

*

*

*

fam on the run: santa cruz

*

*god, i needed that log ride (taken by ed)

*the ferris wheel

*diner breakfast (somewhere there was toast too)

*really good coffee from verve

*beach time (natural bridges)

*pretty views, ocean air

*brown pelicans sucking face

*baby gull

*no, not our actual hotel

*how we actually slept in our hotel (that’s me on the left)

*

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sing

*

*

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follow the leader

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*

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he goes birding (if i beg)

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*

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dressing room

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special

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mama’s day magic

*

:: still can hardly believe my eyes! sweet mama hummingbird in nest…

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morning : noon : night

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*

*

peek-a-boo

:: this black phoebe made my day

*

*

day in a swallow’s life

*daydream

*visit

*ballet

*fly

*

*

bay birds

:: also added osprey, loon, and turkey vulture to my life list

*

*

birds, here we come!

:: we’re off again, and we’re taking grandma today!

*

*

near-miss swallow

*

*

speed

:: NEW camera! please bear with me while i get up to SPEED.

*

*

american white pelican

*

*

great blue heron

:: bird place love… went again this a.m., but this one’s from last week.

*

*

gone birding

•great egret

•great egret

•red-winged blackbird

•great blue herons

•across the wetlands

:: dear friends, i found bird paradise. more to come and a new camera soon!

*

*

soaring

*

* 

goose duo

*

* 

hermit thrush = bird crush

:: happy bird day to me!

*

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sprung!

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wallpaper

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being leo

*

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beach trip series : coming home

•all packed up

•more yellow

•birds + farmhouse

•mossy farm

•rusty roof

•incoming!

•egret

•horse in the barn door

*

*

beach trip series : daytripping

drive to tomales bay:

tomales bay & nick’s cove:

drive to bodega bay:

*

* 

beach trip series : being there

•view from breakfast (by ed)

•sun + bird

•boy in orange

•view of town

•brown pelicans

•pink boots in sand (by dad)

•pigtail (by dad)

•beach boy

•kings of the mountain (by k)

•mr. bluebird

•flying

•deer friends

•sweetie deer

•red kite

•family dinner

*

*

beach trip series : going

• across the slough

•worm chasers

•two vultures

•yellow wildflowers

•one black cow

•birds, stage right

*

*

two

*

*

one

*

*

take the leap

*

*

friday’s walk

**
*

:: a good walk can save the soul

*

*

a sky high

*

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lift me up

*

* 

cuddling

*

* 

robin on white

:: yesterday’s robin run

:: friday winter whites

*

*

showoffs

:: monday: winter whites

*

*

tree naps

*

* 

big puddle

:: the branch; if you squint lower right, scrubjay on the line!

*

*

humming

*

* 

before the storm

*

* 

let sleeping crows lie

:: recently pwadj and me discovered all the crows that blacken the sky flying west at nightfall get their roost on in the trees downtown. watch where you walk!
*

*

someone’s been sitting in my tree

crow #1: la la, i’m flying, i’m the king of the pine tree, flying to my tree, la, la…

hawk: don’t notice me, don’t notice me, don’t notice me…

crow #1: i’m the king of the pine tree, i’m flying to my tree, la la…

crow #2: dude, who’s that sitting in your pine tree?

hawk: i’m invisible, i’m invisible, i’m invisible…

crow #1: (gulp!) he’s the king of the pine tree…he’s the king of the pine tree…i’m flying OVER my tree…

crow #2: let’s get him!

hawk: oh crap…

*

*

bird made out of birds

:: titled by clyde

*

*

and a black crow in a pine tree

*

*

look, no santa!

:: (sigh…)

*

*

bride & groom

*

*

bird is the word

:: i did this ten times trying not to say "bird" myself but alas...

*

*

wing flash

*

*

bird dots

*

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swoop

*

*

birds on a wire

:: happy birthday, mom

*

*

bird raindance

*

*

birds in the rain

mockingbird (they’re ventriloquists):

black phoebe (sorry, his tee-hee song isn’t audible here):

*

*

good day geese

{honk, honk!}

*

*

the way she sees it

*

*

a puddle of sky

:: flying

*

*

black crow

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birdfest

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